The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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