He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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