Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
