i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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