Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
