I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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