I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
