I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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