i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
