I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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