plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
