She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
