He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
