I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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