i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It was confusing and full of hummus
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
