new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
