god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
