Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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