I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
