I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
as a side note pls kill me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
