im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
