Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
