I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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