At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
