I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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