My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
PANTIES FOUND
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
