You smell like a Billy Joel song
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
