I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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