The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
