what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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