So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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