Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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