you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
