just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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