When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
