Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
