fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
