I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
