My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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