Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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