I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
