I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
