my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
