i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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