You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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