I CAN MOONWALK!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
