I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
