I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
