6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
