my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
